i recently noticed on my facebook feed that two people that i know (we’re facebook friends, whatever that means now) are engaged to be married. these two men are in a very open relationship, and have been in a very open relationship for the majority of the time that i have known them, which is about six months into their relationship. i know this because another friend of mine was dating one of them, so it is impossible for these two to deny this fact. i also know that this is the case because the other tried to sleep with me. they have now been together for well over three years. i call their relationship... very open... because... well that is what i call two people who state they are in a relationship but every weekend, or even every night even... are aggressively seeking a sexual partner or a third.
i am old fashioned. maybe a bit of a romantic, and i am stating this on my blog because i know neither party involved in this rant would ever read this, but i think their marriage is bullshit. i am really happy for people who get married and meet the person that they love, and feel like they want to spend their life with that person. i don’t even judge open relationships. i think that after awhile, the sex in a relationship can become monotonous and boring, or possibly a couple is using it as a safety net incase something does happen... but openly seeking sex partners is a very different story. if sex means that much to you, then you should probably not be in a relationship, and really, what’s the point in getting married if that is what you want to do.
when i get into an argument with someone about this i pose my rebuttal like this. are you in an open relationship because it is #trendy, or are you in an open relationship because you actually think that realistically, this is what modern relationships look like. nine out of ten times they will say that it is a modern approach to relationships. no one wants to be “trendy”... and when i am told this, i then ask, how would you feel about a polyamorous relationship. this is something that right now in our culture, is very taboo, and i am not saying that it will ever be as accepted as open relationships, but what is the difference really. i guess one could argue that in one you are inviting someone into your bedroom for a night, and in the other you are inviting someone into you life for awhile, but quintessentially, what is the difference. personally i would probably be up for neither.
i am going to be very honest about this, and i can’t speak for other cities, (but as people seem to tell me whenever i make a generalized statement about gay men in toronto... they are the same everywhere) but here is the real reason so many gay men in toronto have open relationships. social status. i live in a city where even dating is all based on social status. how much you make, who you are friends with, what parties you go to, how big your muscles are/how thick is your beard. no one is actually looking for love. they are looking for what is better around the corner. they aren’t looking to build a life with someone. they are looking for someone who can help them network or further their career. good luck with that in twenty years when you are in your forties and realize that you are with someone that you despise, and are mature enough to understand that relationships are about companionship, meeting someone that amazes you, and that you amaze, and yes... even sex, but finding ways to be open with each other about your sexual needs. i guess i am an idealist when it comes to this, and possibly this is why i am single.